What Illness Does to a Writer

Quick comment: my laptop is very outdated and it can no longer update (we’re talking over 8 years old here). With that, I can’t fully access my wordpress on this thing anymore, so I can’t do anything with comments, sorry.

This may be a series of posts, simply because there’s a lot to say about such a topic. I may not do them much though since, obviously, illness effects my ability to write.

I’ve seen how illness effects a person’s ability to live a normal life. My in-home care clients wouldn’t need me if that weren’t the case. I may not need someone to do in-home care with me (at least not yet), but it still effects my ability to do much. For me though, the most devistating part is how much it takes away from my ability to write and draw.

I’m still able to do it, but not as well or as often as I used to.

Losing my ability to do this allows my depression to grow worse, feeling down and upset with myself for not being abl to accomplish what I want to or what I used to be able to do.
There are times when writing feels like a chore–my energy is drained, if there’s anything to even drain, and I have all the pain, nausea, dizziness, and other strange feelings distracting me on the side. Something that’s supposed to be fun or relaxing, even invigorating, becomes difficult with everything else in the background. I try to push through it, but there’s only so much I can push through.

Comparing how much I used to be able to write compared to now can feel depressing, sometimes inexcusable despite spending many hours sick when I’m not at work or trying to get things done.
I keep telling myself I can do it again, that I can be like that again, maybe even better, but part of it is trying to accept that that’s a time in the future, not right now.

It’s hard to think in the cloud of dizziness. Depression and anxiety with my living situation isn’t helping either, but that doesn’t slow me down as much. I’m forgetting and scrambling up words and I’m becoming more aware of this. People point it out to me too and sometimes have to help me.
Some doctors think it’s just stress, some say it’s a sign of my illnesses getting worse. Whatever the cause, it’s frustrating to be someone who struggles with something they’re supposed to specialize with.

There’s less than a week to finish three art pieces and write one more short story for the 2015 release of Progenitor.
At this point in time, I don’t care about getting in as much as I do getting at least one of each in. I want to get all three art pieces in, but at this point, that may be too big of a goal for me anymore.
I’ve been trying to push myself, but it’s been one distraction after another with everything getting worse.
I want to do it so I can take pride in myself for accomplishing that much. It’d be an achievement for me to at least get something out of me through this fog and weakness. It’s the same sense of accomplishment as taking your first shower or some other independent act since a surgery.

It did inspire the idea I needed for the short story and the art piece.I have just enough in me to write the short story. I don’t know about the art yet, but I’ve been drawing bits and pieces here and there when I’m able to. I do worry I won’t have it in me to finish it in time, but I am glad I got it about 75% of the way there.

It is such a relief to finally find that spark in me again. I almost want to cry from joy, but then I won’t be able to see to write it haha.

Whatever doesn’t get into the magazine, I’ll try and post. I dont’ know where I’ll be living at that time, but I’d just need internet long enough to post them.
I’m making progress in a permanent living situation, but it’s a matter of enduring until all the puzzle pieces fall into place and that there aren’t too many distractions. That’s a post for another day though.

I’m thinking a lot of this is the lupron shot they have me on, but it’s my last option and it’s not working. The doctors theorize that I’ve been weakened by this to where I’m too weak and at risk of damage to be operated on again. My only options were pregnancy and the shot, but I don’t want a child for 1001 reasons and I cant guarantee I’ll concieve if I try.
I do plan on looking for other doctors to confirm the whole too weak for surgery thing too.
It’s just their observation. How do they know my organs are too weak to endure surgery without tests and just by looking at me? Can they put an ICD-9 or an ICD-10 code to what is causing the weakness?

Until they can, I’m not giving up.

Since I’m having some symptoms in the “rare but serious” list of side effects, I may have to go to urgent care later today and that’s why I wanted to try getting this post out.
I want to write as much as I can of this story as I can until it’s time to decide. Whether I end up going or not doesn’t really matter, I just want to do this much.

I finally understand how my grandmother felt when I took care of her and why she did the things she did, and that’s where my inspiration for this story came from…


Do you have writer’s block? Do some math.

Just knowing I officially started my math class is enough to spark a ton of creative urges, some I didn’t know I had.

I’m not really a jewelry kind of person. Earrings are probably it, but even then, I could only care a tiny bit less before I don’t care at all.

I ended up buying a ton of different beads, charm pieces and metal wires and whatnot to make a couple different pairs of earrings, spare charms for future projects and a cellphone charm.

Random Charms and Pan/Bi Earrings

((What can I say, I’m a pan who loves to write. I still need to go over the book charms to make them the covers of my two novels.))

On top of that, I also got a flood of ideas for writing. I didn’t write anything directly into the novel itself–it was mostly adding to the notes. However, what I was able to get down should help speed up the draft’s creation as well as add some extra details into the second book of the series.

I suppose it’s the desire to avoid something I don’t like that causes a sudden flow of inspiration. Sadly, no matter how much fun and productive all of this is, I still have math I need to do.

Anyway, the moral of the story: if you have writer’s block, assign yourself some math problems–it sounds so boring to the writer (unless you like math, then this isn’t helpful advice) that any ideas you didn’t know you had will slink out of hiding from the bushes. It’s like using a mating call whistle to attract something you’re hunting.

Finding Characters on the Train

A good portion of the odd features of characters or characters as a whole are from people I’ve seen on buses and trains. The scene in Waiting on a Bail of Chad and Carlos with the dog was copied directly from two men I saw acting out that exact scene. I wrote the novella around that. I just had to use it!

I ran into a man who resembled by protagonist on the train the other day. Oddly enough, I made friends with a girl who resembled and acted just like a minor character in my current project. This all happened later that day too. I already had plans for her to become more active in the novel after this one, but now I know she’s meant to have a more important role than I first thought she would. The more I understand the girl I befriended, the more I understand the character she happens to resemble.

Moral of the story: make friends with your characters–they went through a lot of work crossing over into our world to tell us what to write. They may not even be a character in an existing project yet, so be sure to keep your eyes open for them as well.

Thinking out Loud: Cellphones and Writing

This was originally typed on a cellphone. Pic msg 2 b exact lol XD!

I have had to write essays in the past like this–texting my email whenever I didn’t have internet access, copying and pasting together, editing and turning in. Naturally, I’ve gotten in trouble for it because my foster parents misunderstood. Well, now I text myself notes for writing if not little tidbits I’d edit in later. It’s not only helped me write my essays, but helped me improve my skills.

Since a text message only allows 150 letters/characters and a picture message 1,000, you’re very limited in what you can fit. Sure, you can send multiple, but that takes more time, money if you’re on a pre-paid plan and editing.

Try it, see how much you can say in a text message. It feels like a lot more than what it actually is. It helps you be more picky with word choice, helping to eliminate passive voice and wordiness.