Anxiety About Writing, Drawing, Life and Tomorrow

(I haven’t forgotten about you guys, the internet is really fickle where I am right now, sorry.)

The release party for the magazine is tomorrow and I get to read some of it aloud.
I am not a public speaking kind of person, extrovert, or experienced enough with semi-formal events to have my own persona for it like I do with work (I have what I call the “perfect granddaughter persona” for work that I use with my in-home care job to behave, care for, and speak with my clients like a client might perceive as a perfect granddaughter).
I’m mostly anxious about wearing girly clothes I’m not used to wearing, practicing makeup and hoping it doesn’t look like warpaint, and, well, having to confess that I went through some things in foster care. Sure, last month was child abuse awareness month, and the timing and themes were pretty good for this, even if it’s a few days off, but I still get to confess things I’ve been through that my own godparents may not have known I’ve gone through, and to find out in such a way is pretty neve-wracking.
Thinking of nerves and anxiety, I finally managed to get a doctor appointment for my hand a few weeks ago. By standard procedure, they did x-rays of both hands. Thanks to that, not only does it turn out that the painful little lump is not only not an easy-to-treat ganglion cyst, but bone growths, and yes, there was not only one, but multiple in both hands…
They don’t know what they are–we just know they aren’t ganglion cysts, bone cysts, calcium, and that they won’t stop growing and it’s causing the connection between my hand bones and wrist bones to widen. For now, they’re having me wear splints at night and then some if I choose to (I can’t go without them now) to limit my wrist movement to ease the pain and slow the rate of growth before they’re going to decide to do tests and figure out what they are. Since the growths are in my hands, the surgeons are worried that they’d do more damage by operating than by letting them stay and slowly cripple my hands, leaving the solution to be “learn to live with it” (yes, I’m trying to get better doctors for this).
I won’t because I can’t–it’s compromising my ability to draw and write (by hand at least, I can obviously kinda type as long as I take breaks). Any artist I’ve told this to always takes the “learn to live with it” worse than any other type of person in my life, probably because they can empathise with the possibility of losing their ability to express themselves for a silly reason. To think that I just got started on a comic series and some food-paid commissions too.
The good news though is that I may have found hope with a new doctor. Since she had endometriosis in the past, she understands my pain, and is hoping for a partial or bilateral oophorectomy. I’m hoping so too. It’s a matter of getting the right requirements for medicaid to cover it and finding a doctor willing to do the operation in my doctor’s honor–since she has a type of osteoporosis in just her hands and fingers, she’s unable to perform such an operation herself, and thus needs to find a doctor willing to do it for her. I can only hope that she does keep up with such a promise. I’m so used to disappointment that I can’t help but be wary of it. Hope for the best and expect the worst I suppose.

On the topic of writing, drawing, and my commissions!
I am still able to draw so long as I’m careful, wear some kind of brace or splint, don’t press too hard, or do it without a break.
I recently me one of my friends’ friends. She’s a professional illustrator (I can’t remember the animation company she works for, sorry) and gets to share a booth at DCC this year. A lot of people I’ve met who are or were going for some kind of art and design degree have snobbish personalities and viewed other artists, no matter how well they did compared to them, as competition and was rude in their “constructive criticism” (there’s a difference between saying “give up, there’s no hope for you” and “you did this part well, I like what you did here, this could use some work, here’s a suggestion based on what I do and how i was taught, but you’re free to explore your own style because art is about expressing yourself”). Again, that’s how most I’ve met have been. This girl accepted me with open arms, gave constructive criticism to help me with my blocking, and presented her highly contagious optimistic perspective on art. Naturally, I took up her suggestion and discovered a wonderful art supply heaven called Meininger’s–they have a bigger and better stock than hobby lobby or michael’s and at better prices. I got motivated enough to get the attention of people who wanted me to do the commissions!
The food-based commissions may need some explanation–for some reason, from what I have experienced, people are more likely to spend 20 bucks on food than they are to give 10 bucks cash. With that in mind, I could technically get more out of the food with the leftovers and satisfying cravings than if I were to get the cash. What I save can be spent restocking supplies and materials. Sure, most people would rather the 10 bucks, but I honestly offer them the option of cash or food, either way, I still get what I deserve out of it or get what I’d spend the money on anyway. If I can get everything more stabilized, I may end up doing commissions online too, no promises on when yet though.
Again, sorry for the lack of posts–health issues and internet connection issues are the worst combo for this. Thanks for understanding!


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